Dealing with my new "friend" : Loneliness

Good afternoon all !

Earlier this morning, I received a message from a friend, recently relocated to Edmonton, Canada.  Surprised by the time of the message due to the time zone, I was carefully reading her message where she was describing all about the new facts in her life.  Everything was fine according to what I was reading, but... I felt that something was not.  I decided to give her a video call in order to watch and listen to her.

She was really excited and after a torrential and detailed narration of her everyday life, she paused.  I was waiting her to continue, but nothing...  Suddenly, she burst into tears !
I didn't know what to do and how to react... ! (not so easy through a screen....).
Trying to calm her down, I wanted to understand what have caused this "explosion".
After a while she sprung the story...  Yes, everything was as it was expected to be.  The country, the city, the house, her job...
So, what was wrong ?
She was feeling lonely.  Realizing that the distance could not allow her short trips combined with the difference in time zone not being able to contact her friends and family as usual, created this reaction.

Indeed, relocation is something really exciting as a procedure, but there are also some hidden "side effects", especially when someone is single.  When families move altogether, things are not so bad, since one supports each other until they find their place in the local community.  In the case of a single expat though, it's truth that loneliness could knock your door.

Not everybody can be prepared but could think that this may happen.  The issue here is if you will either choose loneliness to be a friend or an enemy.
Starting from the last option, in the case of feeling terrible about this situation, that would result not only to make you feel blue, furthermore it would affect your general attitude against your new life.  The most likely would be to lose invaluable time and distort everything around you.

Try to find the positive part in this situation and consider this loneliness as an opportunity.  You have the chance to act totally independently, to go wherever you want - whenever you want.  Discover the neighborhood, the city, every little corner of this new area.
Don't let time passing by whining.  Grasp every minute, be open and adventurous !
Talk to the grocer-baker-butcher.  Even if you don't speak the language, I can reassure you that even a couple of words, can open doors and moreover can open your social circle.  Of course, there may be people being more conservative or coy.  It's ok.  Try to make the first step.  Small steps each time.
Greet them with an honest smile (don't be giddy !), ask them some information about the place you live.  You cannot imagine how many volunteers will you find to help you.
But as I told you, the situation will evolve step by step.  Some people are more open than others.  Some others need their time.

Be patient and grasp every opportunity to socialize and be part of the community.

In any case, respect the new environment.  Furthermore it would be perfect to learn some facts about the areas taking into consideration that this will be your new place to live.

Above all, be yourself, be honest and open to meet and know better the members of your new life.
You both deserve a chance, don't you think ?

Survival Guide to expat moms : Boost yourself with a lot of courage, patience and tons of humor !

Hello !

Remember the article where the truck was outside your PREVIOUS home and everything and everybody were ready to fly to the new country ?  Yes ?  Great !
Now, switch the image.  The truck is outside the NEW home in the new country and everything and everybody screams YOUR name to put everything and everybody in order... !
Yeap !  Sorry ladies, but... I am in the rather unpleasant situation to inform you that you don't have even a single minute to glance around.
Hands-on and start... !

Those are the first - crazy (tooooo crazy !!!) days that you cannot find the red (not the blue-yellow-white) t-shirt of your son ("no ! I want only the red!"), the favorite doll of your daughter (of course... only the specific one ...), something your husband remembered.... etc.
Ha... !  The picture is clear, isn't it...?

No matter how perfectly you have organized all about your move (colored labels, every carton in its room, etc) when you are in an empty house full of cartons and with a family around full of energy asking you to act and follow family's schedule exactly as it was a few hours ago (you know... in the PREVIOUS home-country-situation), don't tell me that you feel exactly as the twin sister of Dalai Lama...

Let's see what we can do to survive :

First of all, don't fool yourself.  No matter how many discussions you may have done before about "all family's contribution", the power of habit will rule...
But don't worry !  Keep calm and continue.   Your strongest partner in this game ?  Your sense of humor and the mother's proverbial patience.

Be Realistic.  There is no chance the house to be ready within a few hours nor within a few days. Admit it and live with it.  Don't raise the bar and don't feel guilty.  This is a complex project and you will manage it !
If you have a carton box with a label "First days' stuff" including pj's, brushes, toothpastes, clothes for the first 2-3 days for all members of the family, that's great !  Open it and then go to the kitchen to start unpacking. Don't panic... it's not necessary to prepare the meal.  You can order a pizza or go to the closest local restaurant.
Prepare the absolutely necessary. Kitchen, bathroom, sheets and blankets in the bedrooms.  If the furniture are already set, then children could start unpacking and organize their stuff (i.e. books, toys).

Check electricity and water supplies.  Charge any appliances you will need later (cell phones, laptops, etc), plug-in electrical appliances (fridge - put a few first things you will need later in the day-, stove, washing machines, etc).  Depending on the country the electricity company may be public or private, so check in advance and in any case, be sure that the date of your arrival, electricity-water-telephone-internet will all work !

Try to close your ears (a pair of earplugs would help...) to all voices like "I don't find my boooook" , "I can't find my favorite tv channeeeel", "I hate this", "I hate that", "Muuuuuuuuuuuuuum!!!"

Ok, I don't write them to panic you.  And there is nothing to be panicked about.  The picture here is not the idyllic sunset in the Maldives.  Actually, it is far far away from even looking similar.  But it's fine.  And things every day will be even better.  Just be prepared for all the mess, be prepared that you will be very tired (literally exhausted), very anxious, pressured, .............. (put in the blank the others).
But, If I may suggest something ?  Enjoy it and don't let a mountain of carton boxes and some "melodies" coming out of your children mouths to make you lose your courage and confidence.

SMILE !  A new life begins.

Expatriation & Children : THEIR point of view - How do we "sell" it ?

Good morning,

If you have children, you already know and maybe a slight laugh has already started to be formed in your face, having understood my point...

Depending on their age, starting from the age of 3-4 years old, every parent knows very well that they have a strong and exhausting negotiator in front of them !

Consider this when parents have to explain about changing home-school-friends-country-habits... !

Ok, you will tell me that we are the adults and the kids will follow.  Of course... BUT, you also know that there is no chance not to tell and suddenly pack their things and "oh ! surprise ! we are leaving the country !".

We have two small "barristers" in our house, 10 years old and 6 and a half.  Questions started in the very early stages of the phase of just thinking about this step.  They heard parts of the discussions we had with my husband, watched in my computer a page with expat information and forum, real estate agencies sites, flight itineraries...  You'll think "I didn't protect the situation".  Actually, in the beginning, I wasn't thinking about it, since nothing was definite and as I told you before, it was in the early stages of just a thought.

However, the questions started and I grasped the opportunity to see their point of view -just in case-.  I started the story very very slowly... "How would you feel IF, hypothetically speaking, we moved to another place, far away from here..?" 

They popped the first question : "Why?" 

I explained them the reasons that we have made some thoughts with their father.

The first reaction was very sharp : "No, we don't want to go anywhere.  We don't want to change anything in our lives.  This is our home-country-friends (all together) and we are fine !".

Things were not as I expected...  I had to marshal more diplomatic arguments.

So, I started talking about the "amazing museum with dinosaurs", "the incredible candies' giant store", "the schools with physics labs" reinforcing my statement with the respective informative sites in the internet.  The "enemy" started to back out... 

For a few seconds, they suspiciously looked at me and then they started firing me with myriads of quickfire questions : 

"Where are we going to go ?"

"When" ?

"Are we going to change school?"

"Can we still see our friends?"
"Can we take our dog, cat, tortoise, with us ?"

"Will we take ALL our toys, books, plants, pebbles... etc. etc., with us ?"

In this case, I "sold" it taking into consideration all the things they love and there are plenty or better or different in the new country.  You know better what would better work with your children.

However, I understood that I have made a mistake.  I talked very early.  Ideally, parents should discuss this issue with their children when situations are final.  In any case, except of specific occasions, no one lives within a week.  So, there is time to explain everything to the children and be prepared to face all their arguments, objections or worries they may have.

We have to be very clear and honest (not of course in a way to terrify them) with them.  It is better to explain that you don't have answers for all their questions and that together you will discover everything.  It's fine to make them understand that it's very normal to feel weird because, the truth is that, we feel the same way.  What we will say and how, it depends of course on the age and the personality of each child.  No matter the age, it is crucial to make our children feel safe.  If the case is that all family has to move, NO MATTER WHERE the family goes/stays, the important thing is to be TOGETHER.

How do we handle the family's separation ?

Good morning everyone !

I had a discussion with a friend of mine. Her husband works in Saudi Arabia as a Mechanical Engineer.  It's been a couple of years since they took this decision after approximately 9 months of working quiescence -he was fired from his job due to company's cutbacks-.

I was thinking about the distance and how this affects not only the couple's but all the family's bonding.

The first positive reactions of finding a job with a really good remuneration package succeeded the practical issues.  

Should the family follow or not ? 

In my friend's case, they decided not to follow and stay back home.    For many reasons.  The main reason was the country.  For a European family the conditions in a country like Saudi Arabia are much different and objectively speaking it's not the easiest place to adjust and be adapted as I was writing in my yesterday's article.  Of course there are international schools and very luxurious or comfortable compounds, but yet the laws and rules for a woman differentiate a lot from the European/Western ones.

Apart of the deep cultural differences, there are other issues, as safety for example, to be taken into consideration.  There are companies for example that suggest to husbands (in a discreet or not way)  not to bring their families with them due to unstable conditions (like high level of criminality, wars, violation of human rights, etc).

However, no matter what the conditions are, the issue of the distance and how this affects couple's/family's bonding is still a catch.

How could a couple overcome this problem ?  The financial instability is usually the main reason of leaving one country hoping to create something better for the family in another one.  This is the substance and the core concept.

But very soon so many matters pop-up.  The husband has to immediately start be productive and adapted to the new circumstances and suddenly to learn how to live without his loved ones.  On the other side, the wife has again to adjust to the new conditions.  First of all, she has to handle the psychological support of the children missing their dad and trying to understand the new "rules".  Furthermore a really heavy weight on her shoulders is the full responsibility for everything concerns children-home-family.  Let's accept it.  It's much different when we are talking about a shared responsibility and it's much different when someone has it 100%.  There is always the worry, the guilt, the anxiety.  At the same time, a woman should support her husband who's away of his family.  Those things are not easy at all, and whoever has passed it may very well understand.  Being at the same time mom & dad and at the same time the dad becoming a part-time dad is a big issue in all family members' lives. 

Fortunately, in our days technology helps through video calls and smart cell phones.  About 25-30 years ago when my dad was an expat, things were really hard.  We could see him once in a year for approximately 10-15 days, and waiting for his call (he was living in a ship in a harbor in Saudi Arabia) once, maximum twice a month (no cell phones or video calls...).

From my side, yes, as a child I have lived what I am describing above.  I have seen my mom losing her role.  I have seen my dad losing the "touch" with us.  I have seen the family changing.

In any case and as I said before, fortunately things are much better, technology helps and things are not so "harsh" as it used to be.

But no matter what kind of technology someone use, what really helps is the family not to forget its role and try to overcome the difficult parts of this "separation" with mutual encouragement, support and understanding from all parties to all parties.

"Old" & "New" Country - An Unfair Comparison

Good morning,

yesterday, I read an article.  It was about the story of an expat "claiming" about all things not happening to his "new" country compared to his "old" one.

I started thinking about it.  Comparison.  A big trap that can only work as an obstacle not letting you move forward.

Living in a new country is a "terra incognita", a really challenging situation.  A good way to survive is this situation be seen as a new adventure.  For some reason, you have chosen to be there.  The country, the people were already there before you.  It would be not possible to change for you.  But you can make an effort to adapt.  The easiest would be to find communities from your country.  However, this is not the issue here.  Try to socialize and integrate with the locals.  Try to learn their language - even a few words at the beginning-, accept their invitations, learn their customs and habits.  This is what will make your new life easier.  Consider of registering your children to the local schools instead of the international ones (unless if there are other reasons).  Your children need friends and so do you !  It could be a good start to chat with other parents outside the school for a few minutes, or accept a party invitation.  You will be amazed of how many people will be willing to help or to give you advises and useful information.  Of course, if you don't have children, you could accept an invitation from your business colleagues, or roommate, or you could chat with the grocery man, etc.  The point here and what I am trying to say in one word is OPEN yourself to the new conditions.  Open your mind and let yourself explore the country, the people, the little alleys, the foods, the smells, everything.  This will be your new country -temporarily or permanently, it doesn't matter-.  It's not fair to compare it with your "old" country.  It is not possible to forget it but on the other hand, give the "new" one a chance...

Good morning !

Today and day by day I will dig in expat's more practical issues, info, tips & solutions.  However, I will definitely need your contribution.  Don't forget to read and write not only in the main page but also in the other parts of the blog.  Your comments on adding or modifying this blog will be taken into consideration so to make it as better as possible, as friendly and practical as possible for every visitor.
Have a nice day,

The Expat Fairy

The Cinderella Syndrome...

Once upon a time there was a little girl....  We all know the Cinderella fairy tale and how the bad stepmother amused herself torturing Cinderella.  "Cinderella, IF you clean the dusts, you then can come to the prom with us.." And then again : "Cinderella, IF you take out the beans from the dusts you then can come to the prom with us..."  You know the continuation.  No matter what Cinderella was doing, it was not enough for her stepmother.  Anyway, she had already decided that Cinderella would not go to the prom.
Something similar happens with the professionals aiming to a new career path in another country.

The truth is that all those years I have met some (not many to be honest) people, willing to help.  So, I started receiving advises and I proceeded to the following actions :

- Modification of my resume according to experts' (recruiters, coaches, etc) advises
- Re-design of my LinkedIn profile
- Follow-up emails, phone calls (being very cautious on how many days after the application I had to send the follow-up email, how many days after the application I should call (needless to say that I was also very selective in the exact day (never on Mondays or Fridays) and hour of this day (not too early, not too late)).
- Creation of different cover letters depending on each application (with really careful selection of each application).
- Sign-in in relevant to my profession blogs, groups etc.
- Retention and update of recruiter's list, informing them about any possible changes in my current situation.

After completion of all I have been told to in order to achieve my goal, but the desideratum was not visible, everybody then said "There is nothing more that you can do.  Just be patient..." !
I have done everything till now, but... no prom for me (yet) !

Do you also feel suffering from The Cinderella Syndrome ?


The Expat Fairy

Expat Reality - A different approach to all those who are expat wannabes

I decided to start this blog and create a community - company with all those who are expat wannabes or have something to share in regards with their efforts to expatriate.
Those last years, approximately 4, not only have I tried, but I have caught myself working overtimes toward this goal.
I have read articles, discussed with many people, professionals or not in order to find the best way "to be more competitive", "to stand out from the crowd", to be more and more and more of something- as they told me...
Keep trying, I decided to share this effort, this "trip" with you that may be at the same condition, that you are facing the same issues -positive or not-, listen to your stories and exchange experience and ideas !
I would be really glad to see this company growing !

Welcome to my blog !
The Expat Fairy